‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The blood poured so freely from their necks to my mouth.
Just one drop from Johnny, another from Sue,
But what’s in that crib? Why, a babe wrapped in blue.
Like a fine wine uncorked, a diamond ‘neath coal
Such a gift was this newborn for this man with no soul.
The babe was named Damien, the soul of New York
And must have been delivered by one saintly stork.
For he looked like a cherub, angelic, at peace
Bright blue eyes and golden hair that felt just like fleece.
Damien wiggled a bit, then tugged on my beard
He giggled and cooed as if I was not to be feared.
Such a joy to behold was this treat in my arms
‘Twould never have thought he would cause such alarm.
Even my number one elf, street savvy Crimson
Didn’t detect that this child, was much less than winsome.
So my fangs did descend, but to only half-length
And pressed into his flesh at a gentle half-strength.
I remember the taste was so warm and so pure
Taboo and forbidden and alive with allure.
Then my number two elf, strong, brawny Nightshade
Saw my whole body wince and knew I’d been betrayed.
What was left of my heart started quickly to race
While a look of surprise grabbed a hold of my face.
‘Cause I saw Damien’s eyes change color to red
And a feeling of horror, gripped me with such dread.
Why the blood from this babe, ‘toxicatingly red
Was not purely good, but pure evil instead.
Gasping and choking I was helpless to stop it
And quickly consumed ev’ry damned evil droplet.
Such wicked deceit by this wee juggernaut
Such vicious intent by one malevolent tot.
You see for centuries now, the past two or three
I have protected the world from thirst-hungry me!
Instead of carousing each night for a victim
Economy of feeding became my new dictum.
I condensed my marauding to one night a year
And spared the planet widespread mortal fear.
I drank only the blood from chaste-hearted children
A few drops from each with my elves as my watchmen.
That became my new practice for centuries long
Feast one night on such goodness, all year I’d be strong.
No more evil vampiric, unquenched, blood-soaked jaws
No, a kinder and gentler beloved Santa Claus!
And what better a night then the night we believe
That miracles take flight, a Merry Christmas Eve.
I still showered all children with gifts fun and strange
But stealthily took drops of their blood in exchange.
It was a masterful plan or so it would seem
‘Til this thing set in motion a devilish dream.
And one foolish, ignorant yet heavenly slurp
Allowed vile Damien my plan to usurp!
The blood from the moral flowing through every vein
Was transformed into poison – putrid and profane.
Crimson and Nightshade whisked me onto my sleigh
And prepared my eight reindeer to fly straightaway.
Now Gasher! Necromancer! On Trancer! Romanian!
Now Torment! Now Coven! On Sanguine! Transylvanian!
The elves shackled my limbs to the sleigh so tightly
The blood in my gut made me howl so unsightly.
My reindeer did race through the dark with such fury
‘Til we reached the North Pole to face judge and jury.
‘Twas my wife there to greet us – rabid, sardonic
She’s always warned that humans are demonic.
She roared, “Vlad, you fool!! Mortals cannot be trusted!”
Tis true! Lo, tis true! With myself I’m disgusted.
But when Succuba saw that much stronger than shame
Was my hunger for blood, then she stopped casting blame.
“Crimson! Do hurry! ‘Fore the world’s a mere anecdote.
Go search this human wasteland and find us an antidote.”
“Mistress Claus,” Crimson started, “forgive my boldness.
Search for what?” The reply: “The child of pure goodness.”
Was she mad? ‘Twere I doomed? No such child existed!
But one must, so this bloodlust could be untwisted.
They locked me in a cell and prayed it would hold me
So I wouldn’t destroy flesh ‘fraid to enfold me.
That damned babe’s wicked blood has turned me primeval!
I fear my salvation’s a hopeless retrieval.
Even pure-hearted children have black on their soul
To find such a child is an impossible goal.
But Crimson, Nightshade and my eight loyal reindeer
Scoured the world in search of one tiny savior.
Country after country only offered disappointment
Millions of children and not one anointment.
This duplicitous planet was one epic fail
But my elves, my sons, were determined to prevail.
Then finally, finally, in a southernmost place
They found a radiant child of perfection and grace.
On the edge of the earth, so far from my home
To deliver me from evil, so far they did roam.
Crimson lifted the angel child up from its crib
The babe merely squirmed and spittled up on his bib.
Then cautiously Nightshade inspected the newborn
To be sure he was pure and not evil reborn.
And a halo appeared round the babe’s tiny head
A miraculous sign just like fishes and bread.
The world stopped in that moment, its eyes filled with awe
To acknowledge the beauty, this child without flaw.
Gently Crimson did suck out a fang-full of blood
Not too much, just enough, to thwart Damien’s flood.
That pumped through my veins and with manipulative breath
Tried to push and persuade me to cause mankind’s death.
“Oh pray hurry my elves!” I cried out from my cell.
“I’m about to succumb to this unholy hell!”
“Praise! Love, they’re coming!” I heard Succuba scream.
Could it be that this night would soon be a mere dream?
‘Fore I knew what was hap’ning, they all pinned me down
Held me firm on the floor from my boots to my crown.
Then Nightshade, the strongest, my lips he pried open
So Crimson could then pour the blood and the hope in.
But how the pain grew and grabbed hold of each limb
And scalded and burned me like a heretic’s hymn.
“Fight Vlad! You must fight!” Was my wife’s staunch instruction.
“Do not give in to this infernal destruction!”
“Papa Claus,” Crimson cried out, his tender voice throbbed.
“Oh come back to us please!” Then he broke down and sobbed.
I could see their expressions were hijacked by fear
Even terror was there in the eyes of the deer.
I could feel myself slipping, close to the mire
When I heard a child claim, “Santa’s a liar!”
“He’s not filled with happiness or love or with joy.
He won’t stop ‘til he murders each girl and each boy.”
“If Santa Claus is evil,” a toddler exclaimed.
“Then we should be evil too!” another proclaimed.
Did I really hear children speak these words out loud?
Or was it just a prophecy to make the devil proud?
It was all suddenly clear, the plan from the start
Turn Santa sinful, all will share the same black heart.
Listen and heed my warning, you foul-blooded spawn!
My struggle has been real, now be dead and begone!
Then I heard Damien’s screams like petrified laughter
He knows his cradle awaits him in the hereafter.
The compassion and goodness that I have embraced
Toward these humans on earth, will not go to waste.
Finally the blood-milk settled into my veins
I could feel the release from these satanic chains.
Then I felt the possession, lift out of my skin
Liberation! Atonement! Blessings from within!
The elves helped me stand upright, each deer bowed its head
My wife’s kisses, more loving than the night we were wed.
My story is simple for I strayed from my path
And my carelessness almost unleashed a foul wrath.
‘Twas the innocent children, who saved this old man
And I’ll shower them with gifts, from Brazil to Japan.
“And take drops of their sweet blood,” reminded my wife.
“Yes of course,” I replied. “To sustain my own life.”
Looking down from my perch at the top of the world
I see the blood-filled children asleep and unfurled.
Loudly, I exclaim to this most beautiful sight
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!