CAN DINA EVEN SPELL AFGHANISTAN?

 Characters:

Catherine DuMornay, mid-50s
Claire DuMornay, her sister, early 50s
Daisy DuMornay Bernstein, their cousin, late 40s
Iva O’Mealia, their childhood friend, mid-50s

Time: Present

Place: A town in northern New Jersey

 

Act I
Scene 1

Lights Up.  It’s approaching dusk and sunlight is coming through the windows.  We’re in the living room of CATHERINE Du MORNAY’s Victorian style home.  There is a staircase UC leading off SL, in the center of the room there is a large round rug with many unmatched chairs, there is a fireplace underneath the stairs and next to it is a flat-screen TV with the screen mostly facing away from the audience, SL is an archway to another room, SR is the front door.  The front door is open, but the screen door is closed.  CATHERINE is running on the treadmill SR, the treadmill is completely out of place with the rest of the décor, it’s as if it was going to be put in another room, but never made it.  She is a trim and toned woman in her mid-50s, wearing a tank top and matching track pants.  While she’s running on the treadmill, she’s talking on a cordless phone, every once in a while patting her brow with a towel.

CATHERINE

(ON THE PHONE)  Are you sure that’s what the reporter said?  Because they lie.  Of course they do, don’t be so naïve.  Well no . . . no, I would hope not.  I would sincerely hope that he wouldn’t lie about something as significant as that, but a leopard cannot change his spots.  No.  (FIRM) No . . . leopards have spots, tigers have stripes.  Yes, I have . . . at the zoo.  It’s a phrase Jamison!  It means a person cannot change his true nature.  Yes, yes, or her, or her true nature.  Exactly Jamison!  That’s exactly right, you cannot believe her true nature would change so drastically to cause her to do something like this, like what they say she did.  No, I do not.  I do not believe a word of it.  Because as I said, they lie.  (BEAT)  Jamison, don’t you think you should go and see if she needs you?  What do you mean they won’t let you see her?  You’re the brother.  That’s terrible!  Just down and out terrible.  You see what I’m talking about?  It’s all about bullying, the police bully, reporters lie, the government tortures, and all to make us feel inferior, insecure . . . to make us vulnerable, that’s why they do it . . . and they think we’ll just take it quietly, silently, like a pack of mute dogs, well you listen to me Jamison, (SHE STOPS RUNNING AND STARTS WALKING VERY QUICKLY.)  You listen to me . . . you cannot allow them to win.  Do you understand me?  Because if you do the results would be devastating for us, the outcome will be unfathomable for us if you let that happen.  (BEAT) Yes, yes of course, for her especially, but ultimately, finally, for all of us.  Yourself included Jamison.  Oh yes, yourself included . . . do not think that you can exclude yourself.  None of us can.  So go fight them, Jamison.  Go fight their lies . . . yes, yes of course I’m here for you, we both are.  Whatever you need us to do.  (BEAT) We’ve already started that.  Yes, yes, it’s taken care of.  No, no need to thank me.  (SHE STOPS THE TREADMILL)  You are my family, Jamison, you are in need, I am here to help.

 

CATHERINE presses the off button on the phone, throws the towel on the handle of the treadmill, and hops off.

CATHERINE (CON’T)

Claire!

 

CATHERINE puts the phone back into its cradle and starts rearranging the chairs so there is a large opening on the rug.  Her movements are sure, without hesitation, and final.

 

CATHERINE (CON’T)

Claire!!

 

CLAIRE (OS)

What?

 

CATHERINE

Come down here.

 

CLAIRE (OS)

I’m doing my nails.

 

CATHERINE

This is important!

 

CLAIRE (OS)

(PAUSE)  I’m almost done.

 

CATHERINE

I said it is important.  We are needed!

 

CLAIRE

To do what? (OS)

 

CATHERINE

Claire, please!  This is not the time for vanity, just come down here.

 

CLAIRE Du MORNAY comes down the stairs blowing her nails.  She’s in her early 50s and still quite beautiful.  She’s wearing a long, thin floral bathrobe and slippers, nothing like lingerie, but very feminine.  Her hair is wrapped in a towel as she just took a shower.

 

CLAIRE

(COMING DOWNSTAIRS, BLOWING HER NAILS)  I’m coming.

 

CATHERINE

(SIMULTANEOUSLY)  Claire!

 

CLAIRE

I’m here!  What is so goddamned important that you have to scream my name – twice?

CATHERINE

We have to pray.  I cleared our space.

 

Without objection, CLAIRE kneels, still blowing her nails.

 

CLAIRE

Okay, but what are we praying for this time?

 

CATHERINE

Not what, who.  (SHE KNEELS OPPOSITE CLAIRE.)

 

CLAIRE

Okay, so who are we praying for?

 

When CLAIRE puts her hands in the prayer position, she makes sure not to damager her nail polish so the palms of her hands face other, but her hands don’t touch.

 

CATHERINE

Dina.

 

CLAIRE

Dina!

 

CATHERINE

Yes.

 

CLAIRE

Why does Dina need our prayers?  What’s wrong?

 

CATHERINE

She’s in trouble.

 

CLAIRE

Well, yeah, obviously she’s in trouble if she needs our prayers.  What’s wrong with her?

 

CATHERINE

Nothing is wrong with her.

 

CLAIRE

Now Cathy, there has to be something wrong with her.

 

CATHERINE

There isn’t.

 

 

CLAIRE

You don’t pray when all is well.  There’s no prayer for the copacetic, that’s a waste of time.  So what’s wrong with her?

 

CATHERINE

I told you there’s nothing wrong with her, Dina just needs our prayers.

 

CLAIRE

Catherine . . .

 

CATHERINE

Claire . . .

 

CLAIRE

Catherine Frances Theresa DuMornay, what kind of trouble is Dina in?  Is it serious?

 

CATHERINE

(BEAT)  It’s all lies, flagrant lies, but nonetheless, despite all of that she does need our prayers.

 

CLAIRE

What are you talking about, lies?

 

CATHERINE

They’re not important.  Let’s start with a Hail Mary.

 

CLAIRE

Of course we’ll start with a Hail Mary, we always start with a Hail Mary, but first tell me what the hell these lies are about.

 

CATHERINE

I do not want to give them credence by repeating them.  Hail Mary full of grace . . .

 

CLAIRE

How can I properly pray if I don’t know why I’m praying?

 

CATHERINE

You’re praying for your cousin’s well being, for the end of her troubles.  Now put your hands together correctly Claire, what kind of a prayer stance is that?

CLAIRE

(SHE’S HOLDING HER HANDS THE SAME AS BEFORE, IN PRAYER MODE, BUT A FEW INCHES APART.)  My fingernails are still wet.  I don’t want to smudge them.

 

CATHERINE

(JUDGMENTAL AND DISAPPROVING)  Oh Claire.

 

CLAIRE

(BEAT)  Oh shut up!  You know how I love my manicures.  It’s not like I’m refusing to pray.

 

CATHERINE

Just edifying, modifying how you say your prayers.

 

CLAIRE

We have been through this countless times before Catherine, you do not have the final say on how I pray.

 

CATHERINE

We have certain agreements.

 

CLAIRE

Yes . . . regarding certain aspects of the prayer.  We will try . . . to the best of our ability . . . to create a prayer circle.  We will . . . in the absence of any physical disability . . . kneel while praying.  And we will begin, always begin, with a Hail Mary.  What was not agreed upon was the individual style of praying.

 

CATHERINE

Clasped hands is the accepted way.

 

CLAIRE

Yes it is Catherine, I will give you that.

 

CATHERINE

Thank you.

 

CLAIRE

But it is not the only way.

 

CATHERINE

So what?  Are you going to pray with your hands on your hips?  Or perhaps palms up, yes palms up facing the heavens with your eyes rolling back into your head like some zealot?

 

CLAIRE

No!  I will not act the zealot Catherine!  (PAUSE)  I will clasp my hands when my nails are dry!  Until then this is how I’m going to pray.  (SHE PUTS HER HANDS PARALLEL TO ONE ANOTHER, BUT A FEW INCHES APART.)  Now tell me why the hell are we praying for Cousin Dina in the first place?

 

CATHERINE

You just can’t pray for prayer’s sake?

 

CLAIRE

She’s my family and clearly in trouble, I want to know what kind of trouble.

 

CATHERINE

Hmmm.

 

CLAIRE

Oh don’t.

 

CATHERINE

Don’t what?

 

CLAIRE

Don’t hmmm me.  And don’t say you didn’t hmmm me because I heard you hmmm.  I raced down here when you called me.

 

CATHERINE

After you finished your manicure.  Your indulgences come before your prayer.  I understand.  (WEARILY, CATHERINE STANDS UP.)

 

CLAIRE

You don’t understand anything.  If I were being indulgent I would be with that Asian boy . . . what’s his name?  (CLAIRE RISES.)  At the nail salon.

 

CATHERINE

Keeno?

 

CATHERINE crosses to the treadmill and folds the towel she left hanging there.  CLAIRE follows her, she takes the towel off her head to reveal her very close-cropped hair.  She begins to dry her hair with the towel, not out of necessity, but habit.

 

CLAIRE

No, Keeno’s the one who works at the vegetable market.  The boy who does the nails at the salon . . . his mother owns the place . . . what’s his name?

CATHERINE

He’s not a boy, he’s a young man.

 

CLAIRE

He’s barely twenty, to me he’s a boy . . . to you too.

 

CATHERINE

T.J. who delivers our paper, he’s a boy, Lu Chang . . . that’s his name . . . Lu Chang.

 

CLAIRE

Yes, Lu Chang.

 

CATHERINE

Lu Chang is a young man.

 

CLAIRE

No, Lu Chang is a boy and if I were being indulgent I would be sitting across from Lu Chang right now getting a manicure trying to figure out what he’s saying behind that face mask thing that he always wears.  But I’m not, I’m here trying to pray for my cousin but you won’t tell me why she needs my prayers.  (BEAT, THEN FEAR.)  She’s ill.  That’s it isn’t it, she’s ill and she’s dying and you don’t want to tell me.  I can handle illness Catherine.  Don’t hide that from me.

 

CATHERINE

She isn’t ill.  Well, not that I know of.

 

CLAIRE

I’m warning you, if I find out that she’s ill and you didn’t tell me.

 

CATHERINE

I wouldn’t do that to you!  She’s not ill.  Though I wish she were.

 

CLAIRE

What?!  How could you wish such a thing?

 

CATHERINE

Because that would explain everything.  She wouldn’t be in control of her faculties then.  But even if she were, even if she were . . . very ill, the reporters would have ignored that fact.  And the police, they wouldn’t even care.

 

CLAIRE

The police!  Cousin Dina’s in trouble with the police?!

 

CATHERINE

Ah!!!  Damn you Claire Du Mornay!  Damn you!

 

CLAIRE

Oh stop trying . . . (SHE TOSSES THE TOWEL ONTO A CHAIR.) just tell me what the hell is going on with Dina and the police.

 

CATHERINE

She’s been arrested.

 

CLAIRE

Arrested?!  For what?

 

CATHERINE

For what?!

 

CLAIRE

Yes for what?  What did she do?

 

CATHERINE

What did she do!?  You actually believe she’s capable of committing a crime?

 

CLAIRE

No . . . I . . .

 

CATHERINE

You believe she could do something worthy of police intervention.

 

CLAIRE

You just said she was arrested.  I’m merely asking for what . . . she had to have done something.  They don’t just arrest people willy nilly.

 

CATHERINE

Oh no?

 

CLAIRE

(IMITATING A POLICE OFFICER)  Oh hi ma’am, nice weather we’re having today.  Oh by the way you have the right to remain silent because you’re under arrest!

 

CATHERINE

You’re just like them.

CLAIRE

Oh stop it!  What did she do that got her arrested?

 

CATHERINE

Again!  (SHE PICKS UP THE TOWEL AND FOLDS IT.)  You did it again, you actually think Cousin Dina is capable of doing something so terrible the police would handcuff her and bring her down to the police station and formally arrest her.  I cannot believe you would think that of your own flesh and blood.

CLAIRE

Catherine, you said she was arrested.  The common response to a statement like that is . . . for what?

 

CATHERINE

No Claire, that is not the common response.  The common response to such a statement made about your cousin is not affirmation of the terrible deed, but shock!  Shock that such a thing could befall our cousin.  Now for crise sakes kneel down and pray with me.  (SHE KNEELS)

 

CLAIRE

I am shocked!  That’s why I raised my voice when I said ‘for what.’  If I wasn’t in shock, if I had suspected for quite some time that this day would come, eventually, that my manicure would be interrupted so I could kneel and pray for my Cousin Dina’s malevolent nature, (SHE KNEELS OPPOSITE CATHERINE) I would have dropped my voice and added a hint of sarcasm . . . ‘for what?’  But I didn’t . . . I raised my voice.  I didn’t add a hint of sarcasm Catherine, my comment was high pitched and filled with shock.  (SHE WALKS ON HER KNEES TOWARDS CATHERINE.)  And if you don’t tell me exactly why Dina was arrested your face is going to be filled with my fists because my nails are now dry!

 

DAISY Du MORNAY BERNSTEIN rushes into the house screaming, the screen door slams behind her.  DAISY is one of those women who wants to be a breeze, but is a thunderstorm.  She is in her late 40s, impeccably dressed, but in an outfit and accessories that she would have bought at Target.

 

DAISY

Have you heard?

 

CATHERINE

It’s all an incredible though grave misunderstanding.

 

CLAIRE

(WALKING ON HER KNEES TOWARDS DAISY.)  Daisy do you know what’s going on?

CATHERINE

Don’t say a word Daisy.

 

DAISY

About Cousin Dina?

 

CLAIRE and CATHERINE

Yes!

 

DAISY

But . . .

 

CATHERINE

Don’t!

 

DAISY

But . . .

 

CLAIRE

(GRABBING DAISEY BY THE HAND.)  Tell me.

 

DAISY

But . . .

 

CATHERINE races on her knees to get to DAISY’s other side and grabs her other hand.

 

CATHERINE            CLAIRE

(WARNING)  Daisy.             (PLEADING)  Daisy.

DAISY

I can’t keep it in any more!

 

CATHERINE

I’m warning you!

 

CLAIRE

Tell me!

 

DAISY

Oh Claire it’s horrible!

 

CATHERINE

Daisy!

 

DAISY

But Cath!

 

CLAIRE

Daisy spill it!

 

CATHERINE

Don’t!

 

DAISY

(SHE TRIES TO PHYSICALLY STAY SILENT, BUT CAN’T.)  Cousin Dina’s a terrorist!?

 

CLAIRE

What?!

 

CATHERINE

(STANDING UP)  You just had to, you just had to say it out loud.

 

DAISY

I’m sorry Cath, but this is huge!

 

CLAIRE

A terrorist!?  (STANDING UP.)

 

CATHERINE

(LOUD, BUT CALM.) We don’t know that.

 

DAISY

It’s all over the news.

 

CLAIRE

(SITTING DOWN)  A terrorist!?

 

CATHERINE

Reporters lie Daisy, you know they lie.

 

DAISY

But it’s on the Internet too.

 

CATHERINE

Well then of course it must be true.

 

CLAIRE

A terrorist?

 

CATHERINE

Stop saying that.

CLAIRE

Do you hear how my voice is rising up at the end Catherine?  Do you hear the shock?  (HER VOICES RISES ON THE LAST SYLLABLE OF ‘TERRORIST’.)  Terrorist?  Why the hell didn’t you tell that we have a terrorist in the family?

 

CATHERINE

Because it isn’t true.

 

 

DAISY

I think it is.

 

CATHERINE & CLAIRE

What?

 

DAISY

Do you have any water?  I’m parched.  I ran all the way from my house.

 

DAISY sits in a comfy chair SR.

 

CATHERINE

You live next door.

 

DAISY

I was in the basement.  Claire could you please get me some water?  (CLAIRE RUNS OFF SL THROUGH THE ARCHWAY.)  Or some of your lemonade if you have it . . . that would be so nice.  Your lemonade always quenches.

CATHERINE

How can you harbor such . . . vile thoughts about poor Cousin Dina?

 

DAISY

Because poor Cousin Dina has played us all.  Played us all she has.

 

Let me know if you have any questions, comments, thoughts – and keep checking back as there will be more to come!

Michael 

 

PLAYS

Writers like to write.  And most writers like to write in different genres.  I’m no exception.  Before I began writing novels, I wrote plays.  I was acting at the time so it was a natural creative extension of my artistic life, but the joy I found writing plays quickly eclipsed the joy I found while performing on stage.  I think it’s because as an actor you have to speak someone else’s words and you only inhabit the skin of one character – at least most of the time anyway.  As a playwright I get to create the words for the entire cast.  It’s challenging and liberating at the same time.

I specifically remember the day – or I should say the night – that I was inspired to write my first play.  I went to see a revival of Edward Albee’s “A Delicate Balance’ on Broadway and was so moved by the dialogue, the theme, and just the theatricality of the piece that I went home that night and started writing the first scene of what would become my first play – NO MORE SUNDAYS.  I even remember the line – An outsider is the only one who can speak the truth.  Your mother’s too close to the source, she’s been contaminated.  The play is about two generations of Italian women who bring their matriarch home to die.  Since I grew up in a large Italian family populated with a lot of outspoken women, I decided to follow the old adage and write about what I knew.  It worked and NO MORE SUNDAYS won the New Jersey Perry award for Outstanding Play.

Some of my other plays include PEN PALS, which is an epistolary play.  And if you’ve never heard of that word, don’t worry, it’s just a fancy way to say that it’s a play where the dialogue consists of the characters reading letters instead of talking to one another.  PEN PALS is very special to me because it was inspired by my mothers real-life relationship with her own British pen pal, Sheila – a relationship that lasted for over 60 years!

Then there’s 9^TH STREET WATER, TWO, PIECES and two short plays – CLOUDY and 5G/10B – that were published in an anthology and won many competitions throughout the country.

From time to time I’ll post excerpts from my plays here to give you a taste of me as a different kind of writer.

Oh, I almost forgot, I’m almost done writing a vampire play for high school audiences entitled THE EXCHANGE STUDENT.  More on that to come!